by Madeleine KandoWhen someone asks me 'Are you happy?', I never know what to say. It puts me on the defensive. It's like having to answer the question: 'Are you successful?' or 'Are you a good person?'. It's easier to answer questions like 'Are you happy at work?' (The answer is 'NO'. I am too old to teach ballet to three-year olds and would much rather spend my time writing silly stories like this one. )
Actually asking someone if they are happy is a bit forward. It's like asking someone if they have good sex. If you fail at being happy, you fail as a person. It's not like failing an exam which doesn't affect your entire self-image. If you are unhappy, you get a permanent bad grade and it's bad for your reputation.
But happiness, to me, is a constantly changing state of mind. It goes up and down, like being hungry or thirsty. I was happy last night when I heard that my oldest got engaged. I wasn't happy this morning when I looked at my credit card statement. In fact, if I have to ask myself the question 'Hey, Madeleine, are you happy?' I know that I have a problem.
Happy people don't have to ask themselves that question. They just know they are happy. It's only unhappy people who ask themselves: 'Mmm, I wonder if I am happy? If I am not happy, what kind of person does that make me? A failure! Why am I not happy? Maybe I should take a workshop in 'positive thinking...' And so on, and so on.
It's not only people who grade themselves as happy or unhappy. There are whole countries that are happier than others. Denmark, for instance is rated as the happiest nation on the Euro-barometer Survey. They tried to figure out why Danes are happier than Swedes or Finns, who are most similar to Danes and went looking for the cause of this extreme happiness. (Why Danes are smug: comparative study of life satisfaction in the European Union).
Starting from the least likely causes, they found out that it wasn't their hair color (Swedes and Finns are just as blond), their food (don't even try it), their climate (have you ever visited Denmark in winter?) or the fact that it is a welfare state (Sweden and Finland are that too). They discovered that the single most important reason for their happiness was that they have very low expectations for the future.
But to get back to people: Happy people are happy because they view the world in a positive light. They remember the past as positive, they don't think badly of others, they don't react to criticism, they don't change their opinion of themselves even when confronted with someone who is far superior to them**. They are happy because they are delusional and have an unshakable conviction that they are great people.
Happy people never have trouble choosing. When they have to choose between two deserts, they immediately prefer the one they selected. Me, I am the opposite. I cannot enjoy my dessert until I have taken a bite of the 'forbidden' one.
Being happy is one of those catch 22 situations again, a chicken or egg dilemma. Do happy people socialize more or does socializing make you more happy? Does being positive make you happy or does being happy make you more positive?
Be that as it may, for now I will continue to enjoy life by taking Bertrand Russell's quote to heart: 'To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.' leave comment here
** See: The Promise of Sustainable Happiness